I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
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Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Something Saturday.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.