Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

I just got arrested for felonious mopery

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding

Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware

Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud

Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.

It cost me an arm and a leg!

[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss

The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.

Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone