I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
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Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
And that about sums it up.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Alexa: *deep breath*
They’re not wrong
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?