I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
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The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.