i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
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Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
This will never not be funny to me.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Stop sending me this shit.
🍂🕷️🍂
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.