Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response

*getting murdered*

WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*

Okay, proceed.

Red Bull gives you wings.

Sugar Daddy gives you things.

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…

The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”

The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.

Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.