Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

Mars: I’m wet

NASA: I’m coming over

Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol

PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

What is a Sherpa?

“Let me summit up for you.”

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.

I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”

If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started

You know I’m all about that bass,

‘Bout that bass…

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch