“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
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Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.