“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
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If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”