Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said

One hundred and fat

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

Me: The floor is lava!

Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.