Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”

“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”

A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.

The three genders.

[My cooking show]

Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.

Kevin: *crying*

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…

9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”

What month is it? Why is summer so long?

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?

Her: Uh, excuse me?

Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.

Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?

“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book

Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.

aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors

My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.

my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.