I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
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[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.