I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
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10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.