I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
You Might Also Like
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.