Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

October 31

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”

They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader

I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.

H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

“A puppy.”

“Pick something else.”

“A different puppy.”

me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]

person: take $6??

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*

My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.

Super Hand Dog Face