I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
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Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!