Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
You Might Also Like
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!