If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
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Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.