Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that

My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help

Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.

My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

[in a steel doomsday bunker]

FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.

ME: No!

[something strikes the side of our bunker]

Laundry to do list;

□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks

Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

Interior design 👌