Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.

When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.

Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?

Ugh. My bed is infested with children.

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.

podcasts

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”

When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.

Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty

Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

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anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.