I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
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“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.