I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.

That’ll blow his Lil mind

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“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”


I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.


We’re expecting 12 inches tomorrow night. Well played, Black History Month. Well played.


The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.


When I explained Twitter to my mother she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one’s getting better.” Well played, Mom. Well played.


I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.


This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.


Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.