I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
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Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”
My favorite female superhero
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??