I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
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ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Okey dokey.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.