Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator

Dance like like you’re not aware of the numerous cameras watching your every move.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean

brain: probably will be good in a minute

me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……

Perhaps next time I should go out with him?

This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd