Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*

*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say

“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”

not going to work.

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

A haiku about getting the kids up for school:

Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?

*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*

ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.

Lets all agree,

having your cake and eating it too,

is the same damn thing.

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there

You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.

What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?

ㅤ

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school