Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first

Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free

Also Spotify: we have no concept of time

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself

How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.

Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.

Me: I didn’t say he was interested

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”

Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.