I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
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Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
The Compass
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second