Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

Legend of Tarzan 2:

Tarzan meets other primates.

He befriends them all.

He teaches them to fight.

It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.

When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.

them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?

This meal prepping shit is easy

When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.

[In Bed]

Her: You feeling spicy tonight?

Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

[garage sale]

ME: can I leave my children as collateral

LADY: you haven’t bought anything

😂🥴

back to work

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines