I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
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[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.