@LaLuchaNix

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

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@Hobo_Splendido

Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.

@RocketRankoon

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

@M_Hedberg

People think stage diving is dangerous, but not me. Because humans are made out of 95% water. So the audience is 5% away from being a pool.

@ewws13

Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.

@notacroc

DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work

@Michael1979

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

@andlikelaura

Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: Thatโ€™s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

@markleggett

A man who calls himself “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is currently hunting down a man named “War Machine”. We all live inside a comic book now.

@jamespianka

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.