Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it

Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am

Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”

Me: nah

Husb: you could create your own cult

Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.

Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?

Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”

[Next door dog barking]

Me: *inserts earpugs*

[Barking intensifies]

Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!

My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.

Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it

Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me