I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
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if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
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*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github