I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
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Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.