I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
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wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Thaw me like one of your french fries
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water