forgive me baja for i have blast
You Might Also Like
Blew my mind.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly