Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one

“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

i actually laughed 😩

INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Me: Here’s half my income.

Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

John: There are places…

Paul: I remember

George: All my life, though…

Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.