I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
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Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
My life in a nutshell
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine