I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
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I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”