I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
You Might Also Like
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now