I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
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i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
We found love in a hopeless place.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact