Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
You Might Also Like
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Wife. you have my husband.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Banned from driving.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”