I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
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My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok