I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
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Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking