I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
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Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
🤣🤣🤣
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
How about daylight saves us for once
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
cyclists
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.