I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
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Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us