I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
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Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.