I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
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When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!