I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
You Might Also Like
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free