@skittle624

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

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@Donna_McCoy

My relationships are like pharmaceutical ads. Promising at first, but they end with a string of dire warnings I wish I’d listened to.

@krisv_723

*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes

@Jandalize

I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile.

Then walk into a pole.

@junejuly12

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

@jazmasta

[first day as a doctor]
You seem depressed. Also you look underweight, how’s your diet?
[nurse interrupts me]
“Dr that’s the model skeleton”

@GamerPres2020

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

@pixelatedboat

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

@jordan_stratton

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

@Slims_Ramblings

“Hey look, there’s a deer frolicking in the woods over there!”

Deer: What the hell did you say I was doing?