I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

You Might Also Like


My relationships are like pharmaceutical ads. Promising at first, but they end with a string of dire warnings I wish I’d listened to.


*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes


I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile.

Then walk into a pole.


Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*


[first day as a doctor]
You seem depressed. Also you look underweight, how’s your diet?
[nurse interrupts me]
“Dr that’s the model skeleton”


I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.


My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist


Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no


“Hey look, there’s a deer frolicking in the woods over there!”

Deer: What the hell did you say I was doing?