I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
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I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture