I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
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I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
It’s that simple 👊🏻
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor