Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

20s: insufficient funds

30s: insufficient fun

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.

Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones

KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.

Disgusting if literal: Liverpool

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻‍♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻

would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”