Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.

a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid

Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?

I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets

Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”

“Eels?”

“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.

8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.

The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

birds: it’s so peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.