I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
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Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
The government even made aliens boring
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*