Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages

Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes

[at the general store]

me: one general please

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.

If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.

Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

How long do you have to wait between naps?

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

Oops 🤭

When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.

Do not levitate over flowers

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude