Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.

although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

[entering the office]

Coworker: How are you?

Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.

Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?

Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.