Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tag yourself

Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids

Husband: What’s the nightmare part?

“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.

Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here

Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat

“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”

“You mean a shotgun”

“No not yet”

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.

FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.

Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes

Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?

Me: *laughing*

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”

– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.