Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:

Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.

Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.

My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit

dark side of the loom

I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.

told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable

her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great

be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000

me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

find these 10 emoji for no good reason