@amandajpanda

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

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@Gupton68

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

@GrantTanaka

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

@kellysdf

All those political ads are very convincing. They convinced me to stop watching television.

@SammySkinns

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

@TFriss

If you watch Harry Potter backwards, Voldemort is really good at zapping people back to life and turning Harry into a baby.

@Reverend_Scott

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

@envydatropic

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

@HelsNotAllowed

My boyfriend isn’t allowed to go to the Zoo without me, he might see all his ex’s there…

@mommajessiec

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

@HenpeckedHal

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!