People fear what they don’t understand:
4th grade math word problems
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
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Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
[at the vet with my cat]
me: i know, that’s why i brought you here
“Get your poop in a group” is a childish way of saying “get your shit together” but I prefer my take of “gather the pieces of your feces”
I bought an iBoat and it’s syncing!