@amandajpanda

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

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@aveuaskew

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

@Laser_Cat

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

@danjan13

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

@Browtweaten

EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back

Dad: I was just resting my eyes

@tracietom

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

@CornOnTheGoblin

[at the vet with my cat]
cat: meow
me: i know, that’s why i brought you here

@Mr_Kapowski

“Get your poop in a group” is a childish way of saying “get your shit together” but I prefer my take of “gather the pieces of your feces”