@amandajpanda

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

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@Marcmywords2

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

@melissamcewen

People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”

@Megatronic13

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*

@TheWidowmakerX

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

@david8hughes

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

@daemonic3

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

@BitchyJasmine

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing he’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

@kimtopher22

If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.

@mstluvstrinkets

On our way to husbands vasectomy he asks *do you think they’ll want me to remove my socks?*. I don’t know what he thinks is about to happen.