I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

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The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.


People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”


{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*


Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.


[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.


WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok


ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud


I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing he’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.


If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.


On our way to husbands vasectomy he asks *do you think they’ll want me to remove my socks?*. I don’t know what he thinks is about to happen.