[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
You Might Also Like
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
All those political ads are very convincing. They convinced me to stop watching television.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
Errybody gon be naked tho.
If you watch Harry Potter backwards, Voldemort is really good at zapping people back to life and turning Harry into a baby.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
My boyfriend isn’t allowed to go to the Zoo without me, he might see all his ex’s there…
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!