Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?

You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants

“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?

My kid: I’m not sure

Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?

My kid: I need more time to think

Lucky for them, they’re cute

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-

Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse

Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.

How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it