Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…

Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.

Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine

Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.

Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving

Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?

me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box

Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”

Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.

Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.

When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.

Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.

good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.