Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

[Starbucks]

“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”

Barista: Is Pepsi ok?

FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.

a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down

Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.

The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.

cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?

me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday

“I’ll worry about it next time”

– me pissing off future me

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.

My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.

It’s Monday, but at what cost?

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?

inflation so bad pets are getting jobs

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief