Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.

Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”

My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?

Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.

Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.

Mobster: we need to set up a shell company

Lobster: let me handle this, boss

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

waiting for my wife to approve my new year’s resolution of making independent decisions

Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father