Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.

Her : I like you

Me : You’re mistaken

DR: Good news and bad news

LADY: What’s the bad news

DR: Your husbands dead

LADY: *crying* Oh my god

DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*

While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.

COP: please step out of your vehicle

ME: finally *leaves body*

If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

Sign: Drive like your kids live here!

Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:

Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.

Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry