I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
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Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I didn’t mean to gain weight
It happened by snaccident
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words