Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do

Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

My brain considers names irrelevant information.

Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.

Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley

School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.

If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.