I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

You Might Also Like


Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.


The light at the end of the tunnel better be a damn computer screen


the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”


One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?


I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead


*pinching bridge of my nose*

Kid, the sky is blue because it’s made of dead Smurfs, okay? Believe me, I don’t like it either.


Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.