Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
You Might Also Like
The light at the end of the tunnel better be a damn computer screen
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I am woman, hear me ignore.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
*pinching bridge of my nose*
Kid, the sky is blue because it’s made of dead Smurfs, okay? Believe me, I don’t like it either.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.