@rocknthepurple

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

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@GingerHotDish

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

@LOsepyan

The light at the end of the tunnel better be a damn computer screen

@lisaxy424

the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”

@Donnie_Fairburn

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

@gitson_shiggles

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

*pinching bridge of my nose*

Kid, the sky is blue because it’s made of dead Smurfs, okay? Believe me, I don’t like it either.

@girl_a_whirl

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.