I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
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Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”