Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?

Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…

Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive

I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.

Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”

if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars

The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.