Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Baby are you mad?

Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”

Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.

Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*

…*exhale*…

…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

Mama Bear: The porridge is ready

Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.

VS

Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”

a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.

Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?

Me: recently?

someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands