Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.

So, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets

The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck