I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
You Might Also Like
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Phones down.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Rt to bother an English speaker
