Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: I hate corona virus!

Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.

6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?

Me: I am a Dr

Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa

Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701

“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.

Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.

Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?

I AM the Illuminati.

Thaw me like one of your french fries

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news

CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor