I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
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Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
S/o to @funTweeters .
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.